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The Resentment Dumpers

Dump your Resentment, not your Relationship!

Egoity

ChartEgoity

In Part Three of The Melfox MethodEgoity, we learn about the uncontrollable response we have when someone says or does something we don’t like.  All of the chapters in this book are important, however this one contains concepts that are the most novel and unbeknownst to most of us.

We learn that Egoity is an autonomic “knee-jerk” reaction of startlement and the subsequent hyperarousal of our sympathetic nervous system. Our partner is seen as the opponent and on “the other side of the net” until we take back control.

Egoity is engaged when there is a perceived threat:

  1. Egoity either discourages (regulates) us from sharing Information that we believe will threaten someone else’s understanding or belief, or
  2. It is the reaction (protection) to Information that we believe threatens our own understanding or belief.

The primary factors that determine the intensity and duration of our hyperarousal include:

  1. The extent in which we value the threatened understanding or belief,
  2. The extent in which we value the relationship with the sharer or receiver of the threat,
  3. The extent in which the belief is threatened, and
  4. The extent in which we understand the fundamentals of Egoity itself.

When our Egoity springs into action, it takes control of our emotions and it will continue to “bark” until we figuratively pat it on its head and take back control.  We take back control by being curious to what was said or done, overriding our initial reaction of judgment and vulnerability.

The purpose of Egoity is protection.  The harder one holds on to a limiting belief, the more Egoity sees it as part of you and will work hard to protect it.  We learn that no matter how old or sacred a limiting belief is, it is independent entity and its protection is not the same as our protection.

We learn the extremes of Egoity:

When we have a healthy respect for Egoity, we allow it to alert us of possible danger, yet don’t allow it to continue to sound the alarm and call the shots.  Like a well-trained guard dog, we want our Egoity to bark at a possible danger, and then quickly settle down after we pat it on its head, whisper “I’ll take it from here” and take control of the situation.

Egoity during Interaction can be thought of like a fire.  We want to train it to be hot enough to burn off resentment, but not so hot that it burns up the conversation and ends the Interaction process.

The Melfox Method

  1. Environment
  2. Information
  3. Egoity
  4. Interaction
  5. Outcome
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