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The Resentment Dumpers

Dump your Resentment, not your Relationship!

How To Effectively Get Rid Of Resentment

Keep Asking “Why” to Resolve Conflict

SnoringLet’s say that you consciously realize that you have resentment because your partner snores. You share that revelation with your partner that night when the two of you had some alone time. Your partner may shrug their shoulders, say that’s just the way it is, and that’s there is nothing that can be done about it. You may agree and simply end the discussion. You may conclude that the snoring can’t be helped, go on living with the resentment, and maybe start sleeping in separate rooms.

Many of us do just that. We assume we have done all that we can do and there is nothing else to know about an issue. But what if you don’t assume that? What if you asked your partner why they snored? They may not know immediately, yet it moves the conversa­tion to the next level of understanding. You or your partner may come up with possible reasons for the snoring, like eating a pound of cheese an hour before bedtime. If that turns out to be the reason, your partner may decide to stop eating cheese before bedtime and the issue is resolved. It was the lack of Information (knowing) that cheese caused snoring, which was the real reason for the resentment. If, however, even when knowing it causes snoring and your partner decides to continue eating cheese before bedtime, the resentment remains. Again, you may resign to the fact that your partner will snore and assume they are doing it intentionally… just to hurt you. Does that sound familiar?

Yet again, what if you don’t assume that? What if you ask your partner why they choose to continue to eat cheese when they know it causes snoring? Again, that brings the conversation to yet another level. It may be that your partner continues to eat cheese because they are mad at you for some unrelated reason and “not caring” about snoring is reflecting that resentment. If you ask “why” enough times, you will get to the root cause of the issue and real reason for the resentment.

Be Curious, Not Judgmental

To avoid having the “why” questions come off as judgmental, choose words that show you’re curious for the reason your partner did or believes something. Have a burning desire to understand your partner. It is easy to get defense and allow your Egoity to begin judging your partner. Tone, inflection, and other nonver­bal communication play a big role in how your partner will react to your questions. The words themselves could cause your partner to feel that you are being judgmental, which may invoke a defensive reaction.

TYPICAL JUDGMENTAL: Why are you wearing THAT? [hissing cat sound]
BETTER: Why did you choose to wear a jacket? Do you know it is 90 degrees outside?
EVEN BETTER: [Just smile and be curious to see how long their jacket stays on]

During the conversation, remain curious. Make it your mantra. Whenever your partner says anything that you don’t like, choose to be curious, not judgmental or defensive. Understand that they are simply sharing their world with you. That’s all. They are letting you know what they did, how they feel, what they believe, and who they are.

Think about it. Unless they say something that is refutable, you have no right to “take exception” or dispute in any way what was said. Keep in mind that opinions are not refutable. There is, however, nothing wrong with you asking why they have their opinion.

BEATRICE: You are a jerk.
BRUNO: Refutable.
BEATRICE: Sorry… I believe you are a jerk.
BRUNO: That’s better. WHY do you believe I am a jerk?

Instead of taking exception and saying something judgmental, choose to ask questions to clarify why your partner did something, or why they feel a certain way, or why they believe what they believe. When something your partner say rubs you the wrong way and the hairs start to stand up on the back of your neck, remain curious and ask them why. By doing this, you help keep both you and your partner’s defenses in check, and keep the conversation on the right track.

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